Heaven’s Perspective
I remember hitting rock bottom.
I remember being consumed by the voices in my head.
“You’re a failure.”
“It will never get better.”
“Just kill yourself.”
“The world doesn’t need you.”
I remember trying to make the voices stop,
So I started cutting my body,
Hoping that would satisfy them.
But It wasn’t enough.
I remember taking another approach,
Trying to mask the pain.
I remember smiling, laughing, pretending to be okay,
I remember telling the world all about God and His Word,
Still hanging on to the last bit of hope I had,
Hope that He would save me from the hell I was experiencing here on earth.
Eventually, the voices became too loud,
And the pain became unbearable.
I started to believe the voices in my head.
I started agreeing that this world no longer needed me.
And I was lead deeper into deception.
The desire of my heart was God.
I knew He was safe, loving, and peaceful,
I knew He could take away the pain.
I knew He could save me.
I just had to get to Him,
But it felt like He was too far away to reach.
I remember being told by the voices exactly how I could get to the One I desired the most, Jesus.
The voices told me, “Hang yourself.”
And I believed the lie that killing myself would get me to Him.
So I did it.
I remember being nervous.
Nervous that this attempt would be unsuccessful just like the first one.
And it was.
I remember losing consciousness.
And I remember gaining it back.
I remember being in pain.
And I remember finally realizing that I was still on earth and not in Heaven with Jesus.
That reality broke me even more.
I remember crying,
But not because I was happy to be alive.
My tears were tears of anger,
Because I knew the only reason it didn’t work was God.
I knew He stopped it.
He was the only One that had the power to do so.
I just didn’t understand why.
Why would He stop me from dying?
Did He hate me as much as I hated myself?
Did He want me to continue to suffer?
Does He not love me like I thought He did?
All of these questions ran through my mind,
And, immediately, the voices in my head returned.
They began to consume me all over again and I so desperately wished that I could return to that unconscious state forever.
I remember telling God,
“I’m just trying to get to you, but you won’t let me. Why won’t you let me? Why are you forcing me to stay here and suffer?”
He didn’t respond.
2 years went by before He finally answered my many questions from that day.
And in those 2 years, He had delivered and healed me from all the childhood trauma I endured,
As well as my toxic, dysfunctional young adulthood life.
So now, fully whole and healed, He knew I was ready to hear His response.
I remember He showed me that day.
He reminded me of every detail,
Including the questions I asked Him.
And then He spoke.
God said,
“You were trying to get to Heaven, but I had given you power to bring Heaven down to earth.”
Tears immediately fell from my eyes.
I thanked my Heavenly Father for knowing more than me and being more powerful than me.
I thanked Him for saving my life even though I so desperately wanted Him to end it.
And In that moment I realized,
He didn’t keep me on earth to make me suffer.
He didn’t keep me on earth because He didn’t want me to be with Him.
He didn’t keep me on earth because He didn’t love me.
God kept me on earth to show me that I could have life and have it more abundantly.
He kept me on earth because He knew who I was and what I was sent to earth to do.
He loved me too much to let me forfeit the beautiful life He had written down for me.
So here I am, 2 years later,
Thanking God for the breath in my lungs each day.
Here I am, 2 years later,
Teaching others how to no longer focus on getting to Heaven, but focus on bringing Heaven down to earth.
Here I am, 2 years later,
Walking in my purpose and true identity.
Here I am, 2 years later,
In awe of the Lord and His mercy, love, and goodness.
Here I am, 2 years later,
With Heaven’s Perspective.
